Book Review: Parenting the Strong-Willed Child

In choosing a book to read and review I wanted to find one that could really be beneficial. I found a book called Parenting the Strong-Willed Child by Rex Forehand PhD and Nicholas Long PhD. I thought I might be able to relate to the book because I consider by daughter to be strong willed. I had the third eddition which starts with information on studies the authors have done and studies that have been done on the program. I found one such study that was done with the authors as well as four others that indicated that if parents actually read the book, children’s behavior would improve even to normal behavioral levels and that these changes would last (Forehand et al., 2011).

One of the things I liked about this book is it gives information to parents to guide them if their children need additional help. It talks about ADHD in a way that I found I could trust what was being said. A study done in Canada showed that younger children in a class are 70-95% more likely to be diagnosed with ADHD than older children in the class (Morrow et al, 2012). The book, Parenting the Strong-Willed Child, talks about how some behaviors that may seem like your child has a hyperactivity disorder such as ADHD may just be normal age behaviors and because of that it is difficult to diagnose preschool aged children.

I really liked how the book was organized and it was an easy read. It is divided into four different sections that help so you can later refer back when needed. The first part gives a background and an explanation of what a strong-willed child is. This part helped me trust the authors and I appreciated that they did not blame the parents for all of the behavioral problems their children have. It is difficult enough to be a parent without constantly feeling like you are doing everything wrong.

The next section discussed the five-week program. The program does not just tell you what to do or not to do, but it explains the why behind it. The program helps parents focus on the positive behaviors providing the attention children often crave, and also gives tools to discipline the child in a consistent way when necessary. I believe children need positive interactions but also need to be told when they are doing something wrong and be corrected.

The third section is one of my favorites because it helps a parent look at their family culture and atmosphere to see if positive changes can be made. I find it difficult to notice behaviors that have become a natural part of my everyday life unless I have something that helps guide me on where I can improve. One of the things it mentions is a topic in one of my past blogs, cutting TV time and increasing reading time.

The last section is for those different scenarios where you find yourself butting heads with your child such as meal time, bed time, or having another child join your family. Sometimes remembering how your child views the world is all you need to work on behavioral problems.

If you have ever found yourself wondering where your child got some of that stubbornness and not quite sure how to deal with it, I suggest you read this book. Parents who are really struggling or parents who want to improve their parenting skills should read this book and apply what they learn.

Forehand, R. L., Merchant, M.J., Parent, J., Long, N., Linnea, K., Baer, J. (2011). Behavior Modification: An examination of a   

                Group curriculum for Parents of Young Children With Disruptive Behavior.  Sage, 35, 234-251.     

                doi:10.1177/0145445510393731

Morrow, R. L., Garland, E. J., Wright, J. M., Maclure, M., Taylor, S. Dormuth, C. (2012). Influence of Relative Age on 

                Diagnosis and Treatment of Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder in Children. Canadian Medical Association                 

                Journal, 184(7). doi:10.1503/cmaj.111619

Read Everyday

Condrell, K. N. (2012). Nine Reasons Why Parents Should Read to Preschoolers. Retrieved April 5, 2013, from Fisher Price: http://www.fisher-price.com/en_US/playtime/parenting/articlesandadvice/articledetail.html?article=tcm:169-19781

Community Paper

                 Everyone has parents, whether they are present in their lives currently or not, everyone is born with parents, it’s what those parents choose to do afterward that is the important part of becoming a parent.  Parenting is not an easy job, that is often times what steers parents away from their children and that is what is the most harmful to those children. “Parents derive considerable and continuing pleasure in their relationships and activities with children. In the final analysis, parents receive a great deal ‘in kind’ for the hard work of parenting} they are often recipients of unconditional love, they gain skills, and they even pretend to immortality. Parenthood is therefore giving and responsibility, and parenting is frustrations, fears, and failures. But parenting has its own intrinsic pleasures, privileges, and profits.” (Bornstein, 2005 p. 311) Parents are in our lives to serve the purpose as being a mentor, a supporter and provide unconditional love, without those present in a growing child there can be harmful outcomes.

  There are various types of parenting that are currently being practiced in the world today and I am not here to tell you which one is right and which one is wrong, I am simply here to provide information to you about the proven benefits that children experience when they have parents in their lives, guiding them in the right direction.  The first and foremost important part of being a parent is being present in your child’s live, giving them love and making sure that they know that you support them in their decisions, but don’t take that too far, this does not mean that you support them when they are engaging or behaving in ways that they shouldn’t.  This is where the second most important part of being a parent comes in, you need to be there to discipline your child, let them know what is wrong from right, one of the most effective ways of doing that is being a good role model.  Thirdly you need to be compassionate, understanding and forgiving with your children, when they make a mistake, you need to forgive them, if they are having a bad day or a great day even, share those feelings with them, it builds a stronger relationship between the two of you, trust.

            There are proven facts that children who do not have positive relationships with their parents have a harder time throughout life, even as far as into adulthood. One of the most frequent outcomes of poor parenting is lack of self-esteem and self-confidence among those children, these children are more likely to engage in deviant behavior and are more like to indulge in drugs and alcohol as a way of escaping.  These youngster are also less likely to graduate high-school and attend college, it doesn’t just stop there, they take it onto when they become parents.  “Parents with a history of stressful childhood experiences and who are themselves the product of parental rejection may have feelings of insecurity regarding their parenting capabilities and a negative outlook about their child and life in general.” (Hsueh, 2009 p. 188)

So all in all you can see the importance of being a good parent and being there for your child, take these years while your child is growing up to bond with them and form a great relationship, it will benefit both of you in the long run.  You need to understand that it isn’t going to be easy, there are going to be some hard times, but there are resources in our community that you can reach out to and you can also talk with family members and others who themselves have gone through the process of becoming a parents and the live of actually being a parent. Don’t let your little ones hurt from mistakes that you make, they deserve to live their life to the fullest and without your help it is going to be extremely difficult for them and they are less likely to find their way to that life.

References:

Bornstein, M. (2005). Infant and child development. (Vol. 14, pp. 311-314). Retrieved from http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com.ezproxy.lib.utah.edu/store/10.1002/icd.394/asset/394_ftp.pdf?v=1&t=hdlubeh4&s=777ea34444046699a672ace1e488e47d07d4d8df

Hsueh, A. C. (2009). Qualitative reports of problems in cohabiting relationships: Comparisons to married and dating relationships.. (Vol ed., Vol. 23(2), pp. 175-193). College Station, TX: American Psychological Association.

Families Matter

 

Life can be a hard journey and without the help and support of others one can get lost in the rut of sadness and feel alone and overwhelmed. Families are a moral support system and can help each other get through hard times and happy ones as well. Families can help children, give support, love and friendship, and can help provide a safe future and community.

Families consist of members who care about each other and are an important part of an individual, children, and the community. A family unit can be made up of any group of people who look out for the best for each other and may or may not be living in the same house. Examples of a family can include a mother and father together, grandparents, single mothers, children, couples, partners, single fathers, aunts and uncles, and just about anyone who cares about the well-being of those around them. Families can include people who are related by blood, marriage or even friendship.

Families can help children in many ways. Phyllis Hunter tells a parable that clears up any confusion on involved parents benefiting children.

“The first mother wheels her shopping cart down the produce aisle, where her kindergartner spots an eggplant and asks what it is. The mother shushes her child, ignoring the question. A second mother, faced with the same question, responds curly, “oh, that’s and eggplant, but we don’t eat it.” The third mother coos, “Oh, that’s an eggplant. It’s one of the few purple vegetables.” She picks it up, hands it to her son, and encourages him to put it on the scale. “Oh look, it’s about two pounds” she says. “And it’s $1.99 a pound, so that would cost just about $4. That’s a bit pricy, but you like veal parmesan, and eggplant parmesan is delicious too. You’ll love it. Let’s buy one, take it home, cut it open. We’ll make a dish together.”” (Russakoff, 2009)

Phyllis Hunter’s story about the eggplant shows that being an involved parent can improve a child’s academic performance. The third mother in the story showed her child that he could be learning at the store and with his mother, not just in school. It showed the child that his mother cares about his success. The mother shows her support and love by giving her child new opportunities and education with a cheerful attitude.

            Having a family can help a child feel safe in their environment. Mothers and Fathers need to decide if it is healthier to be together or separate in raising a child. Each mother and father knows what their relationship consists of, and need to mutually decide if being together is in the best interest of all. This is something that no one else can decide. Even if parents decide to live separate each parent can continue to be involved in the child’s life.

Families are an important part of communities and keeping them safe. When children have positive family relationships they are less likely to commit crimes. There are several reasons that one may turn to criminal behavior; these include: parental criminality, child maltreatment, poor family management practices, low levels of parental involvement, poor family bonding and family conflict, parental attitudes favorable to substance use and violence, and parent–child separation. (Reid, 2012) When children have parents who are engaged in their lives, they seem to make better choices in life and stay out of criminal behavior keeping the communities safer. Hard working families can improve the local communities and teach children the value of work and become successful contributors.

            When children are a part of a family unit they feel the support and love which fosters successful futures for our children individually and our local communities. 

Reid, S. (2012). Crime and Criminology (13th Ed., p.99). New York: Oxford University Retrieved from http://www.us.oup.com/us/pdf/reid/Reid_Chapter5.pdf.

Russakoff, D. (2009, October). How Do Families Matter? New York, New York, USA.

Parenting Matters

            When I was in my early twenties I was outside when one of neighbors came by with her three year old son. As they went to leave the little boy fell over and his bike landed on top of him. My instinct was immediately to help him up, but as I stepped towards him the mom immediately stopped me saying “He can do it by himself”. The mother waited for her son to pick himself up while she talked to those around her appearing to almost ignore his tears. It took her a minute to realize he was stuck in such a way that it was nearly impossible for him to get out of his predicament without some help and then proceeded to help him herself.

            I share this story because I think it reflects a lot of valid points when questioning if parenting matters. First it is important to understand that parenting does matter but that does not mean that all parents parent the same way or that one way is necessarily better than another. Every society has different cultural norms, meaning what is okay with me may not be okay with you because we were taught differently growing up. Within the US parents generally want their children to become independent and self-sufficient (Small, 1999). I can look back at the story of my neighbor and realize that she was most likely trying to help her child develop his independence and self-sufficiency in a way that is different than I would have.

                One of the biggest questions when it comes to parenting is if one gender is a better caregiver to a child than the other gender. This is a difficult and sensitive question to answer because there is a lot of tradition as well as personal circumstances that may influence how we feel about the subject. There has also been a lot of research conducted and some show that one gender is a better caregiver while other research shows something completely different. However, almost all of the studies agree that although all parents are not equal, they can offer different opportunities to their children. One study I found shows that fathers are more likely to play puzzles or sports with their kids as well as more likely to be stricter about eating breakfast at a regular time while mothers are more likely to show affection and sing to their children. (Durfur et al., 2010). It’s not that the other parent can’t do those things, but it just shows that parents can bring different attributes.

            What does all of this mean? Parents are different and expectations of what makes a perfect parent depends on whom you ask. Just because a parent does it different than you or I, does not mean they do not want the best for their child nor does it mean that your way is better than theirs. Children need their parents to care for them and teach them what they need to survive in the world. The most important thing is parenting matters.

Dufur, M. J., Howell, N. C., Downey, D. B., Ainsworth, J. W. and Lapray, A. J. (2010), Sex

Differences in Parenting Behaviors in Single-Mother and Single-Father Households.

Journal of Marriage and Family, 72, 1092–1106. doi: 10.1111/j.1741-3737.2010.00752.x

Small, M. F., (1999). Our Babies Ourselves: how Biology and Culture Shape the Way we Parent.

New York: Anchor Books.     

Response to a Readers Question

One of our followers on this blog recently asked a question regarding nighttime anxiety and fears with children in their preschool years.  As we all know, sleep is very important in many ways, health benefits, defining how the following day will go and many more.  Children need their sleep and parents as you know, you need your sleep too, there is no way to parent and tackle all the tasks you face on a day to day basis.  So I did a little research to try and help parents come up with a plan to help their child who has night anxiety, night fears or even as far as night terrors.  (I personally know about night terrors, my younger brother had them from the age of two until he was about three and a half, they are scary and impossible to sleep through if you are in the house.) 

            There was a recent study that was done on children between the age of two and four who all experience nighttime fears (NF).  “The children were placed into two groups, one group who received a doll and was told to take care of that doll, the other group was given a doll and was told that that doll would protect them.”  (Kushnir & Sadeh, 2012 pg. 66) These children were then observed to see which of the two methods worked best in eliminating or lessening the frequency of nighttime fears. As a result after these children were observed and the results had been analyzed, it has been proven that both of these approaches help children and their nighttime fears and anxieties.  With that said, “the children who were given a the doll who were given the doll with the thought that it would serve as a protector,” had significantly less nighttime fears than those who were given the other doll. (Kushnir & Sadeh, 2012 pg. 74)

Now what causes nighttime fears vary from child to child, situation to situations, but after all if the child is experiencing these fears it is important to provide them with something to help, talking with them does not always solve the problem, although it does help. This doll or figure does not need to be need to be a doll necessarily, it could be a bear or an action figure (although that might not be the most comfy), it could even be something that you bring into their room when they are having these fears and place it next to their bed, a photo perhaps. It is helpful to give your child the confidence that nothing is going to happen and that this figure what ever you choose it to be will help protect them when they start to feel those fears.. So parents, get back to getting full nights of sleep and help your children sleep well also.  Hopefully this little bit of advice can help you and your child sleep better at night, also if you have not read the post on bed time routines, I recommend you check that out as well.

Kushnir, J., & Sadeh, A. (2012). Assessment of brief interventions for nighttime fears in preschool children. (1 ed., Vol. 171, pp. 66-75). Retrieved from