Book Review: Parenting the Strong-Willed Child

In choosing a book to read and review I wanted to find one that could really be beneficial. I found a book called Parenting the Strong-Willed Child by Rex Forehand PhD and Nicholas Long PhD. I thought I might be able to relate to the book because I consider by daughter to be strong willed. I had the third eddition which starts with information on studies the authors have done and studies that have been done on the program. I found one such study that was done with the authors as well as four others that indicated that if parents actually read the book, children’s behavior would improve even to normal behavioral levels and that these changes would last (Forehand et al., 2011).

One of the things I liked about this book is it gives information to parents to guide them if their children need additional help. It talks about ADHD in a way that I found I could trust what was being said. A study done in Canada showed that younger children in a class are 70-95% more likely to be diagnosed with ADHD than older children in the class (Morrow et al, 2012). The book, Parenting the Strong-Willed Child, talks about how some behaviors that may seem like your child has a hyperactivity disorder such as ADHD may just be normal age behaviors and because of that it is difficult to diagnose preschool aged children.

I really liked how the book was organized and it was an easy read. It is divided into four different sections that help so you can later refer back when needed. The first part gives a background and an explanation of what a strong-willed child is. This part helped me trust the authors and I appreciated that they did not blame the parents for all of the behavioral problems their children have. It is difficult enough to be a parent without constantly feeling like you are doing everything wrong.

The next section discussed the five-week program. The program does not just tell you what to do or not to do, but it explains the why behind it. The program helps parents focus on the positive behaviors providing the attention children often crave, and also gives tools to discipline the child in a consistent way when necessary. I believe children need positive interactions but also need to be told when they are doing something wrong and be corrected.

The third section is one of my favorites because it helps a parent look at their family culture and atmosphere to see if positive changes can be made. I find it difficult to notice behaviors that have become a natural part of my everyday life unless I have something that helps guide me on where I can improve. One of the things it mentions is a topic in one of my past blogs, cutting TV time and increasing reading time.

The last section is for those different scenarios where you find yourself butting heads with your child such as meal time, bed time, or having another child join your family. Sometimes remembering how your child views the world is all you need to work on behavioral problems.

If you have ever found yourself wondering where your child got some of that stubbornness and not quite sure how to deal with it, I suggest you read this book. Parents who are really struggling or parents who want to improve their parenting skills should read this book and apply what they learn.

Forehand, R. L., Merchant, M.J., Parent, J., Long, N., Linnea, K., Baer, J. (2011). Behavior Modification: An examination of a   

                Group curriculum for Parents of Young Children With Disruptive Behavior.  Sage, 35, 234-251.     

                doi:10.1177/0145445510393731

Morrow, R. L., Garland, E. J., Wright, J. M., Maclure, M., Taylor, S. Dormuth, C. (2012). Influence of Relative Age on 

                Diagnosis and Treatment of Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder in Children. Canadian Medical Association                 

                Journal, 184(7). doi:10.1503/cmaj.111619

Community Paper

                 Everyone has parents, whether they are present in their lives currently or not, everyone is born with parents, it’s what those parents choose to do afterward that is the important part of becoming a parent.  Parenting is not an easy job, that is often times what steers parents away from their children and that is what is the most harmful to those children. “Parents derive considerable and continuing pleasure in their relationships and activities with children. In the final analysis, parents receive a great deal ‘in kind’ for the hard work of parenting} they are often recipients of unconditional love, they gain skills, and they even pretend to immortality. Parenthood is therefore giving and responsibility, and parenting is frustrations, fears, and failures. But parenting has its own intrinsic pleasures, privileges, and profits.” (Bornstein, 2005 p. 311) Parents are in our lives to serve the purpose as being a mentor, a supporter and provide unconditional love, without those present in a growing child there can be harmful outcomes.

  There are various types of parenting that are currently being practiced in the world today and I am not here to tell you which one is right and which one is wrong, I am simply here to provide information to you about the proven benefits that children experience when they have parents in their lives, guiding them in the right direction.  The first and foremost important part of being a parent is being present in your child’s live, giving them love and making sure that they know that you support them in their decisions, but don’t take that too far, this does not mean that you support them when they are engaging or behaving in ways that they shouldn’t.  This is where the second most important part of being a parent comes in, you need to be there to discipline your child, let them know what is wrong from right, one of the most effective ways of doing that is being a good role model.  Thirdly you need to be compassionate, understanding and forgiving with your children, when they make a mistake, you need to forgive them, if they are having a bad day or a great day even, share those feelings with them, it builds a stronger relationship between the two of you, trust.

            There are proven facts that children who do not have positive relationships with their parents have a harder time throughout life, even as far as into adulthood. One of the most frequent outcomes of poor parenting is lack of self-esteem and self-confidence among those children, these children are more likely to engage in deviant behavior and are more like to indulge in drugs and alcohol as a way of escaping.  These youngster are also less likely to graduate high-school and attend college, it doesn’t just stop there, they take it onto when they become parents.  “Parents with a history of stressful childhood experiences and who are themselves the product of parental rejection may have feelings of insecurity regarding their parenting capabilities and a negative outlook about their child and life in general.” (Hsueh, 2009 p. 188)

So all in all you can see the importance of being a good parent and being there for your child, take these years while your child is growing up to bond with them and form a great relationship, it will benefit both of you in the long run.  You need to understand that it isn’t going to be easy, there are going to be some hard times, but there are resources in our community that you can reach out to and you can also talk with family members and others who themselves have gone through the process of becoming a parents and the live of actually being a parent. Don’t let your little ones hurt from mistakes that you make, they deserve to live their life to the fullest and without your help it is going to be extremely difficult for them and they are less likely to find their way to that life.

References:

Bornstein, M. (2005). Infant and child development. (Vol. 14, pp. 311-314). Retrieved from http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com.ezproxy.lib.utah.edu/store/10.1002/icd.394/asset/394_ftp.pdf?v=1&t=hdlubeh4&s=777ea34444046699a672ace1e488e47d07d4d8df

Hsueh, A. C. (2009). Qualitative reports of problems in cohabiting relationships: Comparisons to married and dating relationships.. (Vol ed., Vol. 23(2), pp. 175-193). College Station, TX: American Psychological Association.

Parenting Matters

            When I was in my early twenties I was outside when one of neighbors came by with her three year old son. As they went to leave the little boy fell over and his bike landed on top of him. My instinct was immediately to help him up, but as I stepped towards him the mom immediately stopped me saying “He can do it by himself”. The mother waited for her son to pick himself up while she talked to those around her appearing to almost ignore his tears. It took her a minute to realize he was stuck in such a way that it was nearly impossible for him to get out of his predicament without some help and then proceeded to help him herself.

            I share this story because I think it reflects a lot of valid points when questioning if parenting matters. First it is important to understand that parenting does matter but that does not mean that all parents parent the same way or that one way is necessarily better than another. Every society has different cultural norms, meaning what is okay with me may not be okay with you because we were taught differently growing up. Within the US parents generally want their children to become independent and self-sufficient (Small, 1999). I can look back at the story of my neighbor and realize that she was most likely trying to help her child develop his independence and self-sufficiency in a way that is different than I would have.

                One of the biggest questions when it comes to parenting is if one gender is a better caregiver to a child than the other gender. This is a difficult and sensitive question to answer because there is a lot of tradition as well as personal circumstances that may influence how we feel about the subject. There has also been a lot of research conducted and some show that one gender is a better caregiver while other research shows something completely different. However, almost all of the studies agree that although all parents are not equal, they can offer different opportunities to their children. One study I found shows that fathers are more likely to play puzzles or sports with their kids as well as more likely to be stricter about eating breakfast at a regular time while mothers are more likely to show affection and sing to their children. (Durfur et al., 2010). It’s not that the other parent can’t do those things, but it just shows that parents can bring different attributes.

            What does all of this mean? Parents are different and expectations of what makes a perfect parent depends on whom you ask. Just because a parent does it different than you or I, does not mean they do not want the best for their child nor does it mean that your way is better than theirs. Children need their parents to care for them and teach them what they need to survive in the world. The most important thing is parenting matters.

Dufur, M. J., Howell, N. C., Downey, D. B., Ainsworth, J. W. and Lapray, A. J. (2010), Sex

Differences in Parenting Behaviors in Single-Mother and Single-Father Households.

Journal of Marriage and Family, 72, 1092–1106. doi: 10.1111/j.1741-3737.2010.00752.x

Small, M. F., (1999). Our Babies Ourselves: how Biology and Culture Shape the Way we Parent.

New York: Anchor Books.     

Response to a Readers Question

One of our followers on this blog recently asked a question regarding nighttime anxiety and fears with children in their preschool years.  As we all know, sleep is very important in many ways, health benefits, defining how the following day will go and many more.  Children need their sleep and parents as you know, you need your sleep too, there is no way to parent and tackle all the tasks you face on a day to day basis.  So I did a little research to try and help parents come up with a plan to help their child who has night anxiety, night fears or even as far as night terrors.  (I personally know about night terrors, my younger brother had them from the age of two until he was about three and a half, they are scary and impossible to sleep through if you are in the house.) 

            There was a recent study that was done on children between the age of two and four who all experience nighttime fears (NF).  “The children were placed into two groups, one group who received a doll and was told to take care of that doll, the other group was given a doll and was told that that doll would protect them.”  (Kushnir & Sadeh, 2012 pg. 66) These children were then observed to see which of the two methods worked best in eliminating or lessening the frequency of nighttime fears. As a result after these children were observed and the results had been analyzed, it has been proven that both of these approaches help children and their nighttime fears and anxieties.  With that said, “the children who were given a the doll who were given the doll with the thought that it would serve as a protector,” had significantly less nighttime fears than those who were given the other doll. (Kushnir & Sadeh, 2012 pg. 74)

Now what causes nighttime fears vary from child to child, situation to situations, but after all if the child is experiencing these fears it is important to provide them with something to help, talking with them does not always solve the problem, although it does help. This doll or figure does not need to be need to be a doll necessarily, it could be a bear or an action figure (although that might not be the most comfy), it could even be something that you bring into their room when they are having these fears and place it next to their bed, a photo perhaps. It is helpful to give your child the confidence that nothing is going to happen and that this figure what ever you choose it to be will help protect them when they start to feel those fears.. So parents, get back to getting full nights of sleep and help your children sleep well also.  Hopefully this little bit of advice can help you and your child sleep better at night, also if you have not read the post on bed time routines, I recommend you check that out as well.

Kushnir, J., & Sadeh, A. (2012). Assessment of brief interventions for nighttime fears in preschool children. (1 ed., Vol. 171, pp. 66-75). Retrieved from

Media for My Preschooler?

Mackenzie asked: I've got a question for you. I have a preschool aged nephew who always seems to be playing some sort of video game (Wii, Nintendo, etc) to the point where it's hard to even talk to him anymore because he's so distracted. Do you know if there is any research out about young children and technology? If so, what does it have guidelines for what is and isn't appropriate for young children?

Thank you for your question, Mackenzie. Technology is an important piece of our culture today and children know how to manage it, sometimes even better than their own parents. The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) has done a wonderful study about the amount of technology children ages 0 to 6 are exposed to and how that affects their guidelines and outdoor play (Vanderwater et al., 2007). The AAP set most of the US guidelines for children’s needs. 

Let me share a few of the findings from the AAP study. The guidelines state that children under 2 years of age should not watch any TV and children over two years should not watch any more than 2 hours a day and these recommendations are based on how it affects the children’s attention span. Children of all age groups tended to watch more than the recommended TV, although it was not the case for all children. Video games were not used every day, but when they were they averaged 55 minutes of console time those days. There are also a lot of different reasons for children to watch and use media. Some parents have their children watch TV because they believe it will help with learning, other children watch it because their other family members are, and some do it as a soothing technique or to control behavior.  However, media use did not seem to affect the time spent on other activities such as reading a book or outdoor play (Vanderwarer et al., 2007).

There are a lot of misconceptions about children and electronic media which is probably from a lack of education. Technology is here to stay and it is important that parents understand what that means for their families, especially for the younger children that depend on the parents to make so many of their daily decisions. We also have to remember that recommendations do change and because today’s technology is new, the research is also new and there are many moer studies to be done. The study states “at this point, there are more ‘unknowns’ than ‘knowns’ in terms of the impact of exposure to screen and electronic media on very young children’s development”.

So what does all of this mean for preschoolers? They should not watch more than 2 hours of TV or media a day and less is always better because we want our kids to be able to stay focused when necessary and have good attention spans. Children should not have their own TVs, even if it is convenient for the parents. Parenting is difficult and takes time, but look at some of the other blog posts for ideas on what else you can do instead of put the child in front of the TV.

Vanderwater, E.  A., Rideout, V.  J., Wartella, E. A., Huang, X., Lee, J.  H., Shim, M. (2007). Digital

Childhood: Electronic Media and Technology Use among Infants, Toddlers, and Preschoolers. Pediatrics, 118, e1006-e1015. doi:10.1542/peds.2006-1804

Ready For Kindergarten?

http://www.authorstream.com/Presentation/allymariedahlstr-1719338-ready-kindergarten/

References: Pagani, L., & Fitspatrick, C. (2012). Intelligence. (2 ed., Vol. 14, pp. 205-212). Retrieved from http://www.sciencedirect.com.ezproxy.lib.utah.edu/science/article/pii/S0160289611001449

Video: Shaving Cream Alphabet

Here are some links for some other ideas to check out:

 

http://www.education.com/magazine/article/preschool-letter-writing/

http://www.teachpreschool.org/category/reading-and-writing-readiness/

http://www.handwritingforkids.com/handwrite/

http://handsonaswegrow.com/35-name-activities-for-preschoolers/ 

Puranik, C.S., Lonigan, C.J. (2012). Name-Writing Proficiency, Not Length of Name, is Associated with Preschool   

     Children's Emergent Literacy Skills. Early Childhood Research Quarterly, 27:2. Retrieved from  

    http://dx.doi.org/10.1016/j.ecresq.2011.09.003

Puranik, C.S., Lonigan, C.J., Kim, Y. (2011). Contributions of Emergent Literacy Skills to Name Writing, Letter Writing, and 

     Spelling in Preschool Children. Early Childhood Research Quarterly, 26:4. Retrieved from 

     http://dx.doi.org/10.1016/j.ecresq.2011.03.002